?בחינם For Free? Our Our Daily Bread Give Us Today
How a verbal contract cost me my living and improved my Hebrew and Tibetan, and I was given food in Israel
Our daily bread give us today…
…and forgive us our wrongdoings…
את לחם חוּקנו תן לנוּ היום, וסלך לנו על חטאינו כפי שסולחים גם אנחנו לחוטאים לנו
…as we forgive those who trespass upon us.
Israel.
“Nothing is for free.”
This was one standard answer I received. I would ask
“?יש לך משהו בשבילי בחינ Do you have something for me, for free? ”
“Nothing is for free.”
HaShem
“יש לך משהו בשבילי בחינם? Do you have something for me for free?”
“’Mah at rotza? What would you like?”
“Whatever you will give me.”
“You are hungry?”
“Ken. Yes.”
“Take what you want.”
Uneasy to receive by my own hand, I would always request: “Would you give me what you want to give me?”
And they — mostly men — would give me something, mostly bread, into my hands: “God bless you.”
Our daily bread. לחם חוקנו.
And forgive us our mistakes as we forgive those who trespass upon us.
I was barely living. Why didn’t I take 40% as promised by my inner father at the startup of our loosely agreed upon corporation? We never got to accomplishing a formal incorporation for my promise. I dedicated myself fully to the project. I have given everything.
I had been insecure. I am not sure if receiving what I felt I should ask would have changed the outcome. “You must ask for 40%.” But I only demanded an equal third to begin the venture.
Patricia Haggard of Bridges Academy had used me, based on a verbal only agreement, to build a lucrative online delivery of Alchemical Hypnotherapy of David Quigley. Due to my being shy to ask big boss money even though I was the head as far as executing the idea, we were sharing the income and costs three equal ways. Until Patricia Haggard decided to break the covenant of truth, made herself superior, placed herself on the pedestal of peace in the form of economic abuse, and forced me out. This is over for me.
The image she had been projecting was that she is a good person. It cost me my life. I have never had a business associate this ignorant. It was the first and one horrible business decision I ever made in this lifetime. Everyone trusted her.
At tzrikha khaim. You need life.
Ridden by horror and disbelief in her truthful lack of integrity — and horrified about the eventual decision to work with her despite off-the-bat years ago having a strong intuition that she was putting forth a false front the very first time I spoke to her — I lay alone in the cold of January on the cozy mattress in my Honda Odyssey, parked on a frontage road in snow and ice in existential terror.
I couldn’t sleep all night. I knew my best friend was worried. I had left his place late in the afternoon. A snow storm in the night had made me afraid to continue driving all the way to Mount Shasta, and I pulled over at 11pm onto the frontage road for a night’s rest. I couldn’t call. I have no American telephone, only online call options which are free. In the city of Mount Shasta I knew one location where I could use the internet from my car parked in front to tell my best friend I had arrived safely. But I was still 20 minutes driving away in good weather. Not having heard from me my friend was worried. I could feel his fear for me come on in waves.
I had left my best friend’s place — it is a small apartment, too small for two introvert alchemists, one beautiful big room with one bedroom separated by a sliding glass door. It is difficult to stay together even though we love each other. We were driving each other crazy. It didn’t feel right to stay. I decided to follow my heart despite fearing the icy season of Mount Shasta.
As I was lying shivering in the early morning in the back of my car, King Solomon’s visionary appearance which is guiding my life asked me: “What do you need? Speak to me.”
“Ani tzrikha kesef. I need money.”
“At lo tzrikha kesef. At tzrikha khaim.” You don’t need money. You need life.
It was early in the morning, maybe five am.
By six am, the mountain on the side of the road sent me an image that it desired to keep my spirit and bury my car by blowing dirt over it. Annoyed, I leapt into the driver seat and drove toward Mount Shasta.
At tzrikha khaim. You need life.
For weeks I’d been drinking hot water. I would at times drink a bit of coffee or mocca. My inner mother Ma Zu encouraged me to drink water cold from the well.
I could not eat much. My best friend insisted I eat. To not have him worried more than he already was about me, I ate. He could barely function with the horror of my reality in his home. Thank God, his desire for me to live would make me hungry.
I had little savings. I had let go of my independent consulting business and given my entire attention and soul to this project. This woman and I both needed to make a living from our shared venture which began in 2018. She was fairly handling the money of the verbally agreed upon three-way partnership. David Quigley is a known crook. In fact Patricia Haggard opened her own school in 2017 to leave him.
It had been hard work for three years with very little money at first. Finally our project was going strong enough that we needed help. I enrolled trusted friends, competent teaching assistants who were always refusing to work with sleazy David Quigley due to his known absence of integrity, breaking agreements over and again, and his nasty attitude — many people refer to him as presenting as a sleazy car dealer. Ironically, most of our students were women despite David Quigley’s obvious and often-discussed-behind-his back sexism.
I promised my trusted people that they would be doing business with the wonderful Patricia Haggard of Bridges Academy, and me, a teacher of Inner Alchemy, because I was in charge of directing the online delivery team. I told my friends that I was always doing my best to mitigate David Quigley’s famous frequent misogynistic, political bullshit, and mean remarks.
The very first time I spoke with Pat was on June 25th 2014. I needed some personal development to manage my puzzlement over an unexpected albeit loving and wise inner world arising after a sudden Kundalini surge the year before. I found David Quigley in a google search and called his Institute right away. Patricia Haggard of Bridges Academy was then the main sales person and, for bringing in business for him, co-director of David Quigley’s Alchemy Institute for Hypnosis, a center using hypnosis to get in touch with spirit guides.
Guided from within, or maybe someway tricked by my Egyptian God lover Thoth, but that’s for another day a story of love and fulfillment through living with ascended masters, I was already committed for a ten-day trip in the month of July. It was the only way I could learn the two-digit planetary numerology which surprisingly had revealed Thoth (71) in my name. I needed to learn this way of divination.
Therefore I discussed with David Quigley’s sales woman Patricia Haggard, casually known by most as “Pat,” my intent to take the training in September to be able to provide for myself during the busy month of July. By an easy-going incessant — accompanied by apologies for talking so much — talking manner from her I found myself enrolling for his upcoming training starting on June 28, i.e. in three days, despite my commitment to providing my bookkeeping clients the necessary regular business accounting.
In disbelief, I told my best friend — who then was just becoming my first, a very kind and understanding, boyfriend since my life-altering kundalini surge — that I thought she must be fogging customers with her incessant sweet-talking discussion of God-and-the-World while sneaking your money out of your pocket. He was not happy: “Sweetie, I understand you’re busy. But I do need some time with you.”
Pat excitedly celebrated when she acquired for herself David Quigley’s powerful gathered-for-decades customer contact list a few years into our mutual venture. She was proud that she had finagled it from him in a way that made her look ethical.
She used to advise that we needed to be ready to throw David Quigley under the bus. “He will throw us under the bus any chance he gets. He’s thrown me under the bus many times.” I would feel uneasy. I suspect she wanted to get rid of him as soon as she had sufficient scrupulous hypnotherapy teachers for her school. Oddly, she threw me under the bus.
Patricia had insisted I transition to working on our business and less in our business, and the people I enrolled in believing in the utmost integrity of Patricia are good people. They are highly intelligent, gifted, and spiritual. I diligently encouraged and developed their autonomy. Zoom was easy for me to master due to my costly master’s degree in digital media, and I trained all of them, and I did not exclude Quigley nor her, in developing their zoom leadership. I was building a long-term sustainable platform for everyone, and made sure my leadership team of brilliant women was authorized. I would hold meetings to debrief our team’s performance, trouble-shoot issues, and help everyone be clear with David Quigley.
As a reward for making it happen, I am the one with empty hands. Patricia Haggard has been making it impossible for me to take care of myself, and sending me ruthless replies. She refused to give me the recordings of the three-way delivery of online material that she always said not to worry about, that I could receive them anytime from her, and was capitalizing on every customer contact acquired during our shared venture, but left me with nothing. No customer contacts. No team. No students. No food. No. Zero.
I couldn’t immediately start alone and earn an income. For reasons above my understanding, my previous friends stayed with Pat of Bridges Academy, thereby allowing her to throw me under the bus. For my own survival now I pray none of them have enough inventive brilliance to see how I was developing the long-term sustainability of the business.
I was beside myself from the horror of betrayal. I had betrayed myself. Without the very team I enrolled and trained, Pat would not have been able to discard me the implementor of our successful online delivery of David Quigley’s Alchemy Institute’s content. She kept my team, the welcoming atmosphere I created, my delivery strategy, my long-term business development plan, and my livelihood.
To add insult, Patricia claimed I owed her money, as if she was paying me by the day and I had been given by her undue income. She demanded I pay her back for the days she forced me out from our ongoing training. As if I was her employee! As if I was out of integrity, she wrote “I trust you will pay me when you have it.” As if I owed her something. She pretended I had not given everything I could, even claimed “so you learned a little bit about zoom.” She may be projecting.
I had kindly pointed out a breach of integrity of our mutual agreement in Pat’s demands on our partnership. She therefore accused me of being untrustworthy and was “going to think about working together in the future for a few days.” She dug the knife into my heart in our friendship. When I forwarded her texts of David Quigley badgering me for his own reasons — for years he had made clear remarks about resenting my financial share — she pulled the knife out, using his comments to back her decision, to let me bleed to death without care about how I’d survive, and divided my business livelihood between the two of them.
Her way of behaving at the end was similar to nasty highschool girls. She punished me for something outside my control, most likely her frustration about her lack of financial self-reliance, her economic dependence on Quigley, and her failure to succeed in business without him. What I didn’t take into consideration had been that she was still working for him outside of our mutual partnership — where he was paying her.
Seraphim.
Nothing. Yesh li Chaim. I am living. Jerusalem.
Ain li kesef. אין לי כסף.
I was approved for pro bono help from a lawyer referral service. But six attorneys did not accept the case.
David, a kabbalist at home:
“Akhad. אחד. At zrikha orekh din akhad. Lo zrikha shisha.” He raised his open palms toward the sky saying He will provide. One. You need one attorney. It doesn’t take six. Holding his index finger stretched to the sky, he repeated:
“Orekh din akhad.” One lawyer.
A falcon had announced himself to be taking out the very fear that inhibited me. After a day or two of Patricia having pushed the knife deeply into and pulled it out of me, my best friend and I were driving by as a falcon shot from the sky, killing a small bird. My friend was scared. Despite my horror, I decided to interpret the sign positively: Since I left his home, my Tibetan Master appeared to me in spirit through a falcon.
Thank God for my spiritual practice. I needed to master my mind to dis-identify from the unrelenting image of my lying dead frozen on a road. For weeks on end I could not sleep. I could do nothing but stare at my mind, seeing the nothingness in my despair. Some days I was unable to move.
My Tibetan Master would pray for me, give me initiations, and appear. I could identify his kind Tibetan accent.
How is your meditation practice?
It’s like demons on a wallpaper. Terrifying.
He’d make me laugh: See, if you change the wallpaper, then is tantra (transmutation practice). If you don’t change the terrifying wallpaper, then is dzog chen (Great Perfection practice).
I had no place. My family home is occupied by a demonic take-over. My one and much older sister has inherited our maternal grandmother’s mental illness of ill will, incessant belligerence, and power-hungry Machiavellian manipulations. She was using our mother’s money to hire a mean lawyer to act toward her own will. The well-paid government high position schoolteacher-once-sister had taken my apartment in our mother’s home and told our mother’s care home I was dangerous. I needed a lawyer to see my mother again.
I must be purifying terror, the archaic kind of our collective humanity, and personal from my own past lives. Fear and despair are always present.
Plenty of water accompanied by plenty of rest and many hours of additional sleep will help replenish our kidneys. Money represents the chi of the kidney, and feeling constant terror indicates depletion of kidney energy. My Taoist Arts Inner Alchemy teacher advised me that “You can’t meditate your way out of your situation. You must sleep as much as possible.” But how could I sleep?
I did follow his advice as best as I could with my unstable no-home situation, at a friend’s in Sweden who let me stay for a while at her second home, at my best friend’s in California when I was docking there, on the cozy bed in the back of my minivan when I was rolling on, and in India in a wonderful friend’s cheap hotel rooms at cost.
Master Saint Germain, my inner husband, King Solomon my inner father, and my inner mother Ma Zu, she is known in Tibetan Buddhism as the first Tibetan to become enlightened, told me: Don’t worry. Study Hebrew. Study Tibetan. Think of nothing but moving up to Israel.
Azriel. Khaim. חיים. Israel. Azriel.
My inner father King Solomon is right. I need life. Khaim. My heart has been depleted. If I am going to come through horror and despair poor, I might discover the strength to rebuild financial power. I need to return. With very little money. Azriel. I carry on. Azriel.
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